House of Geekiness

I know it's cliche but this really does feel like the longest week of my life and I'm not even the one who lost a husband/father. (Read about the Gifford Family and their loss here.) We've been preparing for the funeral, arranging the family's transportation back to Washington State, where BJ will be buried. I still can't believe that a week ago Keani and I did our semi-weekly Costco/grocery trip and she mentioned that BJ hadn't been feeling well.

Both of us have boys in Cub Scouts and we'd had our first Rain-Gutter Regatta a few days before. It struck me as a bit odd that their son's boat wasn't ready yet. BJ was hugely involved in scouts and they always had something incredible prepared for Pinewood Derbies. I sent my son over to borrow some sandpaper from them and he told me that Keani and BJ's son needed help with is boat too.

I'm shaking as I write this. Looking back, I feel like I should have known something was seriously wrong when BJ didn't even feel up to attending the Regatta, let alone help work on their boat. Keani has been so good at stopping these "what ifs" as she calls them, reminding us that even if they'd known about the blood clot earlier, there probably wasn't anything we could have done. I still can't believe how strong she is, holding us all together when it seems like she'd be the one to fall apart.

The support we've seen has been wonderful! She has already been receiving some of the funds from the GoFundMe donations, which has allowed her to pay some of the funeral costs and to transport BJ back home to Washington. Keani asked me to give you all the following message:

"Thank you so much for all the love that has been shown to us. It's just been a comfort to see so many people rally around us to help us get through this time. It's been a huge blessing to us. All the thoughts and prayers and service... Even the smallest, thoughts and prayers have been a huge comfort." -Keani

You can still donate to the In Memory of BJ Gifford GoFundMe here.

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I am still in shock over this, so it's really hard to write.

When my neighbor, Keani, told me she and her husband had several replicas of the weapons from Lord the of Rings in their living room, a life-long friendship was automatic. I drool over them, their LOTR statuettes, memorabilia, and their Frostmourne replica, every time I'm at their house.

Since that day, several years ago, we've become fast friends, sharing our love of Warcraft, white tigers, and geeky things (despite her aversion to Doctor Who, which we constantly joke about), and even starting a business together (Netherfield Publishing). Our kids (who are around the same ages) and dogs play together, we go grocery shopping together, we've even celebrated holidays together (I don't think I'll ever forget trying to stop our kids from chasing each other with fireworks!) They're family now.

Like my husband and I, Keani and BJ moved to Provo to attend college but also share some similar health and mental health problems, especially depression and anxiety. We've literally spent hours commiserating and trying to boost each other up and get through our worst times. BJ used his love of gaming (Heroes of the Storm, Hearthstone, World of Warcraft, and Diablo) to cope with severe depression and anxiety while working toward a bachelor's degree.

In January, Keani suffered a debilitating miscarriage. Her doctors failed to diagnose its complications and the extreme pain she was in, though her body should have been able to heal itself weeks earlier. The toll these symptoms took on her were extreme and she began to shut down. I was beside myself trying to help her but could do little more than tell her that she wasn't crazy, they'd find a diagnosis, and she would get better. She was unable to work consistently, and eventually not at all, so she was fired from her job. Because there was no diagnosis at the time, it was completely legal and she was too exhausted, both physically and mentally, to fight it. She actually blamed herself for being too weak and inconsistent when, in fact, she was extremely ill.

Finally, a new doctor took the time to listen to her and discover the real problem. Being jobless, she threw her efforts into our small business, determined to make it work to support both our families and our clients. The problem was, how do we pay the bills without "real" jobs and both our husbands in school? We kept sinking further into debt.

I was up late on Saturday night. For some reason, I just couldn't get to sleep. I was a bit confused when I saw Keani calling at 1:30 am. BJ had collapsed and the paramedics were at her house. I ran over to watch her kids while they took him to the hospital.

When I got there, they were still trying to help him into a stair-chair and get him down the 3 flights of steps of the apartment building. Keani was rushing around the house, trying to be helpful and gather things they might need to have with them.

As the rescue team talked to BJ, he fell in and out of consciousness. With the few words he could utter, he begged them to just let him lay down and rest. I was shocked at how pale he was. When they left the house, he was completely unconscious. Miraculously, the children slept through it all.

I sat on their couch and looked around the room, my mind racing. Keani had mentioned earlier that day that he'd had some strange symptoms but I'd thought it was a flu or something (it had been going around, and I'd had it the past week). This text came within the hour:

It took me a few minutes to process it and respond. At first, I thought I must be wrong, that she meant that they'd transferred him to another hospital. He couldn't have died, he was just feeling sick! I eventually pulled it together and realized there really couldn't be another interpretation. Our friend, BJ Gifford, had just passed away from unknown causes at age 34, leaving behind his wife and three young children. **Update (We just found out today 6/6/16 that his death was caused by a pulmonary embolism.)**

A quick phone call to get someone to watch our the kids, and, before long, I was off to the hospital to be with my grieving friend, who was much too young to be a widow. I expected to find her broken and inconsolable, like most of us would be. Instead, I found a woman I will try every single day of my life to be more like. Yes, she was devastated. Every few minutes, she'd burst into tears and the nurses and I would try to comfort her as she muttered words like, "I can't believe he's gone," and "I'm a widow with three small kids." Whenever she could, she pushed the tears aside and got down to business, asking questions about burial, addressing the heartbreaking question of organ donation, etc. She also calmed herself talking about her faith that she and her family would be with BJ again.

I slept on her couch that night. She didn't want to be alone and didn't sleep in the few hours before the kids woke up. She later told me that because her nerves kept firing all over, she was in a lot of physical pain and truly felt like she had a hole in her heart.

The shock made it almost impossible for me to sleep, but I was more anxious about when the kids would wake up and find their dad missing. I wasn't sure I could make it through her telling them. I'm naturally very weepy, even during sappy movies, and I was afraid I'd make things worse for them. Again, Keani showed me a strength beyond the natural. She calmly explained to the two older children. She answered their many questions and cried with them and held them tight.

Most heartbreaking for me to watch was during the time I spent with the children that day. Her 3 year old son didn't understand. He spent much of the day at the window and talking about how "Daddy go to hospital." A new family was moving into their apartment building, and he was convinced that his dad was in the truck with them and he would come out soon and come home. When one of the children told him that their daddy was gone forever, Keani quickly explained, "No, he's not gone forever. We will be with him again. He won't come back, but someday, we will go to him."

This family has been through so much and the days ahead are even harder. Their hearts are broken and I wish I could fix it all for them.

A GoFundMe has been started to help pay for funeral and living costs, which seem insurmountable to them. We cannot fix their broken hearts but if we all give a little, we can easy a bit of their burdens. Even if all you can do is share this post or their GoFundMe, it will help!

Read the latest Gifford Family update here.

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I was about to head to bed for the night when I heard my email notification on my phone. I really should have known better, but I checked it. The following comment was left on my post 5 Things You Can Do To Help Someone With Depression:

And since we all know I can't shut up, here's my reply:

The wording of your comment is a bit confusing but I'll try to answer your questions. Yes, I am "sick". I have been diagnosed with several clinical physical and mental illnesses by multiple licensed medical professionals.

Yes, I am sick of all the this and I want to be well. I've gone to school. I do have a job (several in fact since I own my own business). I AM married. I have 3 kids. Dog? Check! I have 2 cats as well.

It's really easy to get lost in your own worries and misery, whether you have clinical depression or not. The whole point of these posts is to help myself and people with similar issues learn to pull ourselves out of it all and enjoy life.

Yes! I do love myself and I am very proud of all I have been able to accomplish. I'm going to keep on doing it, which means I will keep writing. :)

Just in case I wasn't clear enough in the comment above... As long as there are people out there like me who feel alone or don't know where to look for help, wherever there is pain or suffering... I will not go quietly into the night. I will not vanish without a fight. I will be the blogger the internet needs not the one it deserves. Wait... is that the ones it deserves but doesn't need? Hmm... It got away from me, yeah. No wonder. I just realized I didn't get my nap today!

I'll post again soon, don't you worry. It's really hard to shut me up once I start talking!

My goals

I want to have energy to spend time and actually do activities with my family.

I want to be able to be physically active. I’m not saying I plan on running marathons, but being able to exercise and do basic housecleaning on a daily basis would be nice.

I want my mind to feel less foggy all the time so I can do my job well and enjoy being in the profession I love.

I want to be healthy and be at a healthy weight.

~~I want my life back!~~ I will look for the best in my life and realize what I truly have, always striving to make it better.

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You may have noticed that my blog has been awfully quiet the past few months. When I say that we've been working on getting the dosage of my thyroid meds right, it really doesn't seem like a big deal. But trying to that one small thing has been like running a gauntlet. Bring on the pain sticks!

Hashimoto's (my thyroid disease) doesn't directly cause me pain, but it's caused me to become extremely overweight and have next to no energy most of the time. It's a bit of a catch-22. The more active I am, the less symptoms I experience (from all of my junk, but especially Hashimoto's and fibromyalgia). But in the last few months, my energy level has been so low that I haven't been able to be very active. And believe me, I've tried. I've pushed my body the breaking point, where I've forced myself to be so active that I hurt myself (aside from the extreme inflammation and fatigue, I ended aggravating my sprained knee that was mostly healed etc.) I'm in the middle of that recovery right now....These last few weeks have been so so fun... *sigh*

It just seems like I can't win. I try to balance my life, working and exercising a bit, then trying to rest and recover, but I can't keep up with everything. So, instead of steadily progressing, I try to ignore and push through the pain. By the end of it, I feel like I've passed through the Klingon Rite of Ascension.

Like Worf, I lay splayed on the ground, having barely made it through the day's trials, for the whole world to see how broken and weak I am. I was hoping I was actually more Klingon and would stand up triumphant, proving myself a true warrior through the pain I'd endured, but hey, I'm still hanging in there.

Seeing my "dead mommy" look (my standard is usually a ponytail, no makeup in weeks/months unless I have to for work, and the same clothes as the day or two before because the laundry is piled so high I have no idea where my clothes even are!), my messy house, or my kids (whose clothes probably don't match, and may or may not be wearing their sister's pants because they dug through the clean laundry basket right before school started and fished out the first pair of jeans they could find)---gets me a lot of weird looks. Some dismiss me out of hand (probably as another run down mom), some actually bother to ask how I'm doing out of politeness, and then there are the ones who really care.

So yeah, I haven't been doing too great lately, but going through this has made me accept some of my own limitations. It's also shown me who some of my true friends are. Their compassion, empathy, and love has helped me not only remember to not give up, but it's made me want to serve others instead of just focusing on my own problems.

I'm not saying that everything magically goes away, but it's made my world a bit brighter and more hopeful being pushed outside my dark bubble of pain and self-loathing.

My goals

I want to have energy to spend time and actually do activities with my family.

I want to be able to be physically active. I’m not saying I plan on running marathons, but being able to exercise and do basic housecleaning on a daily basis would be nice.

I want my mind to feel less foggy all the time so I can do my job well and enjoy being in the profession I love.

I want to be healthy and be at a healthy weight.

~~I want my life back!~~ I will look for the best in my life and realize what I truly have, always striving to make it better.

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Perler Mini Beads are here! I've literally been waiting years for these suckers. I'd heard the Hama Minis weren't worth the cost to buy and ship from Europe, so this is the first mini bead I've used. I couldn't wait to review them.

Perler Mini Bead Review: When Ek Success Brands (the manufacturer of Perler Beads) told me they'd send me some mini perler beads to test for free, I had no idea they'd send me all this great stuff! They were generous enough to send me several mini bead trays, mini pegboards, and even some mini teezers to test for free! (Pictured above, full review below)

Mini Beads Tray: Warm Colors 80-17525

Mini Beads Tray: Rainbow Colors 80-17529

Mini Beads Tray: Cool Colors 80-17526

Perler Mini Color Review: I love that the colors are an exact match for their perler midi (standard sized perler beads), and for being a new product, there are quite a few different shades. I REALLY hope they start selling the rest of the shades of mini beads that I get in midi size because I am truly addicted to perler mini beads now!

Mini Beads Tray: Neutral Colors 80-17527

Perler Mini Tweezer Tool Review: I've tried other fine/needle tipped tweezers before (and they've been super sharp!), so it was a pleasant surprise to discover that these perler mini tweezer's tips are blunted but work extremely well. They're easy to use and I found myself even picking up and handling two mini perler beads at once (a feat that usually ends in beads flying everywhere when I try that with perler midis).

Perler Beads Mini Bead Pegboards (4 Pack)

Perler Mini Bead Pegboard Review: These mini pegboards are so cute and fun to use! Since the beads are so tiny and designing even basic patterns is very intricate work, I loved the fact that I could easily pick the board up and move it closer to see it better without disturbing the beads. I just have to be very careful of course. ;) The mini perler pegboards interlock shockingly well. At times, I was even hard pressed to separate them without disturbing the beads.

Perler Midi Beads vs Perler Mini Beads with mini pegboard

Baby Doctor Who inspired Tardis: Perler Midi Beads vs Perler Mini Beads, Perler Midi Bead Tweeze Tool vs Perler Mini Bead Tweezers

Nintendo Inspired Princess Peach in Perler Midi Beads vs Peach and Lakitu in Perler Mini Beads

League of Legends inspired Teemo and Panda Teemo in Perler Midi Beads vs Perler Mini Beads (Slight color differences in colors due to limited Perler Mini Beads shades available.)

Batman the Animated Series inspired Harley Quinn in Perler Midi Beads vs Perler Mini Beads

Doctor Who Inspired 11th Doctor with Mop and Fez in Perler Midi Beads vs 11th Doctor, Tardis, and River Song in Perler Mini Beads. (Slight color differences in colors due to limited Perler Mini Beads shades available.)

Guardians of the Galaxy inspired Rocket Raccoon and Baby Groot in Perler Midi Beads vs Perler Mini Beads (Slight color differences in colors due to limited Perler Mini Beads shades available and because I accidentally used Brown instead of Light Brown for mini Baby Groot. Doh!)

My Little Pony inspired Rainbow Dash in Perler Midi Beads vs Perler Mini Beads
(Slight color differences in colors due to limited Perler Mini Beads shades available)

This is not a sponsored post. I received no compensation other than the free product for my honest review. All opinions are my own.

My Review Conclusions:

I stinkin LOVE these Perler Mini Beads!

I will still be using the midi (normal) sized beads to create my patterns because, while perler minis are super fun, they're a bit harder to see and handle.
Color and shape are the high quality that I've come to expect from the Perler Brand
True to size: From what I can tell, the perler mini beads seem to be exactly half the size as the perler midi beads.
The plastic of the perler mini beads seems a bit softer than the perler midis but it's still strong and flexible.
Perler mini beads fuse really well together but they were a bit tricky to get the melting temperature right at first. I was surprised that the perler mini beads had a pretty high melting point for their size. I thought for sure the lowest setting would be too hot but it wasn't.
The perler mini tweezers made the beads easier to handle and worked great without being sharp and dangerous.
The mini perler pegboards interlocked almost too well and were perfect for laying out and designing bead patterns.
Fused perler mini beads are stronger and flexible than I'd anticipated! In some cases, they may be even more durable than the perler midi beads.

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I've been reviewing products on Amazon for four years now (since 2012). I started writing reviews to tell other consumers whether or not to buy a product, but when I started getting offers from companies to receive free products to review, I changed my goals a bit. Not only did I want to help my fellow consumers know the pros and cons of each product I tried, I hoped to inform the manufacturer as well, but assumed most wouldn't pay much attention to my input.

I have never been more happy to be wrong!

November 4, 2015, I reviewed a product on Amazon that I had received for free in exchange for my honest review. My initial review of the ThunderFit Silicone Wedding Band / Engagement Ring - 3 Rings Pack was fairly positive, despite a few product flaws:

Circled: Seams between colors

Circled: Shiny glue residue

However, I had to update it when the rings actually broke a week later, separating at the seams:

I thought that was the end of it, that it would hopefully keep people from wasting their money on a sub-par product, and that maybe, however unlikely it seemed, that the manufacturer might see my review and it would help them improve their product. I was shocked to receive this email a few months later:

I am referring to this review you wrote for our product -

http://www.amazon.com/review/R26JQ41ID5IUAT/ref=cm_cr_dp_title?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B015VWGJVU&channel=detail-glance&nodeID=3375251&store=sporting-goods

Which was by the way the most helpful review, unfortunately for us :)

I am contacting you because we made a change to our silicone rings, we've invested about 50,000$ for a different type of machinery, and with that we've finally succeeded to make the 3 color lines with a different manufacturing method (not glue like before) so this time they will definitely not separate.

I was wondering if that would be possible on your end that we'll send you couple of our new models, so you can try them out and see if they still have the problem, and if you see that these are good, it would really mean the world for us if you'd updated your review on amazon.

Currently your review is the first review each and every customer sees on our product page. Not that I have a problem with that, that's totally fine, I just wanted to ask you for a second chance to try our new type and possibly editing your review accordingly.

I was shocked! I practically bounced over to my husband and told him all about it.

ThunderFit send me the new ring set. Here's my updated review:

***Update*** ThunderFit has changed their manufacturing process. They send me a new set of rings to review, and I was pleasantly surprised by the results. Not only do the new rings feel smoother and the materials feel nicer than before, I couldn't break them apart like before! Believe me, I tried. After several attempts to separate the colored section from the black, the rings are still staying together. There are some minor seams on the inside, but they're comfortable to wear and the shiny glue residue is no longer there.

Well done, ThunderFit! Thank you for listening to us reviewers!!

The good:
While the original ring separated and broke within one week, these are much improved!
Nice variety of colors and patterns
Material feels nice, flexible yet strong
The seam separating the colors is gone

The bad:
There are seams in some places from the molding process
The silicone is a lint magnet--hard to keep clean (pictured)
Minor imperfections from the molding process visible in some places (pictured)

I received this item at a discount in exchange for my honest review.