Hashimoto's (my thyroid disease) doesn't directly cause me pain, but it's caused me to become extremely overweight and have next to no energy most of the time. It's a bit of a catch-22. The more active I am, the less symptoms I experience (from all of my junk, but especially Hashimoto's and fibromyalgia). But in the last few months, my energy level has been so low that I haven't been able to be very active. And believe me, I've tried. I've pushed my body the breaking point, where I've forced myself to be so active that I hurt myself (aside from the extreme inflammation and fatigue, I ended aggravating my sprained knee that was mostly healed etc.) I'm in the middle of that recovery right now....These last few weeks have been so so fun... *sigh*
It just seems like I can't win. I try to balance my life, working and exercising a bit, then trying to rest and recover, but I can't keep up with everything. So, instead of steadily progressing, I try to ignore and push through the pain. By the end of it, I feel like I've passed through the Klingon Rite of Ascension.
Like Worf, I lay splayed on the ground, having barely made it through the day's trials, for the whole world to see how broken and weak I am. I was hoping I was actually more Klingon and would stand up triumphant, proving myself a true warrior through the pain I'd endured, but hey, I'm still hanging in there.
Seeing my "dead mommy" look (my standard is usually a ponytail, no makeup in weeks/months unless I have to for work, and the same clothes as the day or two before because the laundry is piled so high I have no idea where my clothes even are!), my messy house, or my kids (whose clothes probably don't match, and may or may not be wearing their sister's pants because they dug through the clean laundry basket right before school started and fished out the first pair of jeans they could find)---gets me a lot of weird looks. Some dismiss me out of hand (probably as another run down mom), some actually bother to ask how I'm doing out of politeness, and then there are the ones who really care.
So yeah, I haven't been doing too great lately, but going through this has made me accept some of my own limitations. It's also shown me who some of my true friends are. Their compassion, empathy, and love has helped me not only remember to not give up, but it's made me want to serve others instead of just focusing on my own problems.
I'm not saying that everything magically goes away, but it's made my world a bit brighter and more hopeful being pushed outside my dark bubble of pain and self-loathing.